Everyone must once in a while analyze their lives. But when you ponder over your life, you tend to be too pessimistic. You get carried away easily and often exaggerate. Today, as you think about your life, try not listening to that little voice in your head. Your life is far from being the way you think it is.

 

我发现DAILY的HOROSCOPE满准的。不止一次了。

 

 

周六千里迢迢去了某大听了讲座。信誓旦旦。我觉得自己有很大的优势去读一个国际班。但是那就意味着(if admitted) 放弃工作，并且一年后出国。等到徐汇课程出来了大家就要发现我越来越少玩了！我要重返“NERD JOJO”时光。GMAT和英文应该都不是白学的啊！呵呵。。。不过去年一等奖学金的同学对了说“你英语六级98不代表你可以考高分。我同学英语系毕业的只考了69分。不要轻敌，要应试训练！”唉。。。痛恨这些，但是这不也是某种能力的培养吗？：）向奖学金冲刺～～

 

晚上回去，乘错地铁。更加光火。在经济危机时候，我这个平日十分“海纳百川”的人，竟然突然觉得十分厌恶上海火车站站头涌进来的外地人。上海人自己也在忙着找工作，为什么还有那么多人拼命挤这围城。上海某些地区真的被这些外来人员搞得拥挤不堪，脏乱无比。什么时候我们也来人准入制度？？懒人呢，宁可在家斗地主也不要来接我。晚上- 去了游戏机房玩了半小时。用哥哥的话“咱们去装嫩半小时。”然后去了永华看了“游龙戏凤”。重温澳门时光(唯一没有去的是MGM）。电影大量地为米高梅(MGM)和卡地亚（赞助商）做广告。真地觉得舒淇的美很特别。百看不厌！刘德华在电影里浪漫温柔，极其用心，又男人味十足。再次被迷倒了！我很喜欢两人第一顿晚餐吃鱼的对话和后来求婚的片段。女人的温柔和男人的细腻永远是爱情的良方。溜溜球飞到空中如同流星划过，许愿的那段真实而有童趣。也很喜欢两个人在床上互发消息谈婚前协议的事情。最后舒淇说“我会签的。”然后一转身，靠在了刘的肩上，镜头从上面拍下去，把她的侧面拍得动人极了。很好的DATE MOVIE。

 

其实特意去影院看这电影是因为喜欢之前舒淇和葛优的“非诚勿扰”。那个电影很深地触动了自己。还哭得稀哩哗啦的。这些是可以收藏的电影。因为有共鸣。

 

今天中午去吃了日式料理。吃了很多的三文鱼。餐馆的服务不是很令人满意。拍了些傻照片。然后去了家饰佳看了一些家具比如书柜，沙发柜灯，还有看了阳台的伸缩晾衣架，虽然什么也没有定下来，但是“领了一下行情”也蛮好的。：）think positive~~ 出来又买了个在淌汁的烘山芋。真正的红心山芋好吃极了。问了自己怎么又吃了？但是转念一想: 唉，需要补充能量呗！什么时候可以少吃一点“和舒淇一样瘦”呢，大约在夏季吧。。。

 

这个周末蛮好的。充实就没有时间想太多了。也没有什么大的情绪。可能用文字释放一下心情一下是很好的处方。MAY PEACE BE WITH ME.

 

再接再厉！明天下班要和太阳哥哥去看灯会了！据哥哥说说古代元宵节是唯一一天姑娘们可以游街逛市，抛头露面的日子。呵呵，也就是说小伙们可以在那天选亲。那明天我去哪里呢？城隍庙还是龙华？人多机率高？哈哈：P 想象本姑娘形象高大地在人群中一站～

 

今天又有头痛了。每个月的固定时间的头和尾巴都难逃一劫。希望医生配给我的“通天口服液”可以帮我。之前看了“说明”不敢吃。今天，妈妈说治疗“脑瘫”的药给你吃是帮你补，不说明你有脑瘫明白吗。哈哈哈。。。好吧，补一补。

睡觉时间到了～ BEAUTY'S SLEEP.

Jiejie (Dr. C) said to me in Dec. 2007 that the reason for a cyst to develop in the face was because I had too much to say but I simply could not let those 'sorrow' in my heart out. Those became the cyst and the only remedy is to talk it out and take it easy.

I do not understand how bad luck could hault me like the way it has been. There was escalation of health problem in the family before CNY, which entailed severe tension migraine. Today, once again I applied to medical leave because of the tearful and histeric tele-conversation early this morning. And sleep did not help today I am still suffering from spiliting headache.

 

Another bolt in the blue. But a bolt can be so quick like a puff in the air? I hope so.

 

I came back from Singapore 'impulsively' for my ex-ex bf, who is a HK born UK grown up man who I always deemed a gentleman. In his own words, he is a man of class. To end the agony of long distance relationship, I resigned and came back to Shanghai my hometown. He disappeared since the day I announced to him that I was going back. In April 2007, when I came back to Shanghai my cell phone no. was forfeited after 4 months being inactive. He then MSN-ed saying 'You changed your phone? Fine!' And he disappeared. The next day after my birtday in July, we had a peaceful and 'irelevant' dinner at Cha Mate, where he passed me the gifts he bought for me long time ago for my birthday. In his new sleek car(I never know he can change his car so easily because I was so away and I literally did not know anything about him. The only thing that helped me to judge that he is single was he was with me on major holidays and occasions), at the end of the meeting,  he said to me:"JoAnne, you deserve a much better guy. You are still so young and promising. You will have your true happiness. And I am happy when you are happy." Those words are touching and were said tears. I was indeed moved and I nodded and shallowed my impulsiveness and stupidity. I only blamed myself for being too simple and I sms-ed him the next morning after a sleepless night: We will be forever friends. It was because I had feelings for him and I still did at that time. I believe my feminine intuition just did not work at all. Afterwards, we had two massage sessions together in Tai Pan, a dinner at Times Square and anther talk at the Marriot Hongqiao lobby (after weekend work) near his house. That talk was triggered my another 'conincidence' when I happened to saw his best friend, in his word 'buddy' Axxx with a woman his age walking down the tracks in SAS. I called him to ask why they looked like a couple while he told me his buddy has never married. (Now I know it was an alliance where all his friends helped him to disguise.). We enjoyed our friendship between forever friends so well until May 2008, soon after which the Si Chuan earthquake happened. The papar can never wrap up the flame! After almost one year, when I began to be oblivious of the pains, I moved to another office location which was like an arranged by some force? I was sitting in the manager's office with the location manager whose husband used to be the CEO of his current company. The manager enjoys all the products from his company so naturally I noticed and asked about it and mentioned him. She was surprised but obviously held back for a moment before saying: What do you mean? He is a married man with a daughter. How could you be bf and gf?". If I could find a hole, I would jump in and spare myself from the embarrassment I was suffering. It was such a bolt in the blue, thunder over the peaceful night that I could not hold my cool. I dashed out and called him with my body shivering and when I shouted out the key word, he simply hang out with a simple denial.  On my way home, I was crying like a fish out of the water. In the next few days, my mind was full of the words he said to me and the things he did to mask his true status. What a conspiracy! How great an actor he was! Nothing interested me much but the ways of revenge - threaten him, tell him off to his wife and daughter and some rotten ideas from my friend who suggested that I sue him to get one of his estates (which I never knew because he told me he lived with his male friend and that is why it was 'not convenient ' to show me his shared apartment.). But my dear mentor and friends told me to forgive and forget about him because his feelings could be true as a man. And revenge only brings tragedy and nagative results and never does me good. I chose to be wise and forgiving. But obviously I was very affected and it haunted me in my dreams. I would send him text saying that he should be the one to die in the earthquake but not those miserable innocent people in Sichuan. I think until today, I am still not fully forgiving and forgetting because my feelings are so hurt and my vales and outlook are deeply affected. He had other girl friends whose photos are with me. I can not understand how many girls he had when he always has a family. And sadly he told me other girls knew and they just did not care! I shouted at him "You know I do care, because I want a normal family with kid!". I really hate him. This is eternal.

 

I was in a depression and had no energy to look for a job afterwards. I was home, feeling blue and lost. LOST. To cheer myself up, I looked online about musicals on in the theatre. I saw MamaMia. I regretted I left Singapore without a chance to see The Phamtom of the Opera which was once in a life time. I saw there was a competiton on Cityweekend which rewards the winner two tickets to the play. I tried writing something, something like dressing up like a beauty queen and stand out in the MamaMia Party. It was very surreal and a far cry from my true style. I registered myself and posted my first and last (so far) comment there. This attracted his eyes. He emailed me saying that he is an Chinese American boy living in Shanghai, 30 years old working in Healthcare industry. He held my hands on the first date which shied me. He kissed my cheek on the second date, which he said is American culture. No one would think that he is not single, even myself a detecive girl once bitten. Addtionaly assuringly, he moved close to where I live and we met almost every day. Sometimes I would take a motocycle to his place in just 5 mins! I was always so anxious to see him, boy! But one day in the hustling bustling Xu Jia Hui, sitting on the stairs leading to Oriental Shopping more deep in the summer night, he said he gotta tell me something that has been bothering him badly. He said he was married but seperate for almost 2 years. With a single mom with a daugher who was 13 years old. Another strong bolt. I could not believe my ears. I left in a taxi after much pleading talk. I said I would consider him still but I knew I was not that magnonimous. I was off balance and suspicious. I could not hold my temper and composure. One day in Sept. I threw his house key in the lawn and left. Later, he ran down with a high fever. Soon, he was asked to send my photo frame back to me which signifies the ending of the relationship and the quarrels. Soon after 8 months, he finally got divorced which I had long expected. I had been praying for that moment. I has been thinking of him every min and could not help crying on the street. But we did not reconnect as he began to fall in a depression badly, and punished himself for the pains he caused to his family and me. I tried to embrace him but to no vail. He said he would rather be a monk because he is totally disappointed with women. I went to his place and kept his company by listening to those decadent songs of women leaving men, women hurting man, woman playing games. I was saddened to realize he was sharing those songs with me in the memory of his ex-wife. His mood was all her! And worse, I realized his tattoo was actually her name! It was time to give up and free myself from the pains. I was hold such great picture on my mind of him and me being together, having our baby, and dressed him up in Jordan, Nike branded clothing, which is daddy's childhood wish. I simply can not understand why he could not come over her when a another girl, me was standing in front of him, younger, single, simple history, and kind. I had very bad compulsive obssessive syndrom which was exhibited in hatred against any beautiful girls who speak in non-local accent, in disparaging girls from a particular province, in leaving the site where another good looking girl I 'suspected' could be the same type as his ex -wife. I was so 'compulsive' that I began to searh on online how those girls make a living and how they could be so enticing to men. But I respect him for his choice and mentality. My tears and sighs were never ending those days but over time it became part of the history.

 

This is my story on the personal emotional side. Majority of my friends never know anything about it. Maybe it was because I was subtly feeling insecure. And now when I look back, it seems that my intuition worked very well.  

 

One of my good friends asked me if I as attracted by some kind of 'Halo' above those guys' head. For a person as passive as I am, every encounter was always incidental but never by design. I am never the type who has any 'purpose' as I am too simple and 'aimless' in the matter of my life partner. Now I realize maybe that was the mistake. I need to set a standard, and stick to it. Any guy that deviates from my criteria should be limited. And I want to say that I never was aware of my situation until I found out. I was totally innocent and I lived my hard-working lonely life (long distance), anything but close to a 'er nai''s life. I did not have any 'allowance'; I spent money prudently; I never led my man to a shop to pay for me. I was a good decent girl. For me love at first sight is beyond my comprehension because love in my eyes is so mutual and it takes time to accept another person, or rather a stranger. But I am tall, and good looking (it is ok that everyone has different opinion:)), which are attraction to men, together with my kindness and warmth towards people. Those good qualities of mine do draw those mature, and 'mis-treated' men close to me. But those does not really helped me in finding a really good man. I was with those men who are actually not available anymore. It might be right that at the time, their feelings were true but still it was not healthy and poisoned my mind. I became over sensitive, suspicious, and even 'physic' after being hurt again and again. Sometimes I did feel maybe he was not sincere, but I simply could not walk out of the emotional hangover. Now I think I really need to have more faith in the feminine intuitive power.

 

Now after so much advesity, I am totally awake. It is time that I re-look at myself, my needs and my mistakes made. I want feel desperate or self- blaming. Who knows about destiny until it shines some light itself? Some day in the future, my better half will appear from behind the harizon.

 

Now I would give those men in my life a brand: Passer-by. I do like this Shanghainese brand. haaaa...

 

I am ok. A lot of friends called me and tried to comfort me, which is not necessary. I do not want to explain to everyone repetitively that is why I post an entry here. Talking about the sorrow to other people could help a little but I know only myself can help JoJO. I just want to laugh it off and move on. I am strong and hopeful, after all.

 

Cheers,